My Realization

I've come along since my last post. I was at a low but since then I've been pursuing God and honestly seeking Him. And He is so good. That may not mean something to some of you. But I can honestly say that I'm changing. I'm not completely there - I'm definitely a work in progress.

If you know me then you know that I am a huge control freak. So much so that I don't even let my own husband drive. And this has been a vice in my life for almost 10 years now. I know that Dave has said that it doesn't bother him but it must. I see the looks on our friends faces when I get into the driver's seat. I see the look on our new friends faces wondering what's going on and why does she drive everywhere? And then the embarassment of telling them that I'm a freak and I drive every time we get in the car - and I mean every time! And I see the look on Dave's face when we have to explain it to people - and I can see that it hurts.

There could be a number of reasons. After all, I work at ICBC and I see munched up cars all day. It could also be that I just enjoy driving. I've also said that I hate the thought of us getting into an accident and the guilt that he would have to ensue if one of us got seriously hurt - I don't want him to have to go through that.

It could be all of those but what I've come to realize is that I just have a problem trusting. I have a problem trusting God. I've always given the exact amount to God that is required. And I figure the rest is for me as I have bills to pay, I have things that I need to sort out in my head that is too trivial for God. I'm a problem solver. And if that means that I don't give it all to God then He'll just have to understand. I will be sure to solve the problem - my way.

Until now. I've started giving more money than what is required. I'm letting Dave drive on Monday nights - it's a start! I'm spending more time with God and am actually pursuing Him. I'm questioning stuff that I've just taken for granted - like is it absolutely necessary to have a worship team full of people that seem to have it all together on the outside? Or is it about their heart and their relationship with God? But then shouldn't their life be reflecting their relationship? That's a whole other topic...!!

I have to apologize to Dave for letting my lack of trust in God get in the way of trusting him. As much as I would like to say that I let Dave be the head of the house, I have huge issues there. I barely even trust God to take care of me, how can I fully trust Dave?

How do I know that God will take care of me? What would I say to an unbeliever that came up to me and asked me how I know that God is taking care of me right now? I'm not sure. I think that's where blind faith steps in. I know it tells me in the Bible that He's watching over me and will supply my every need. But I need to experience that. I've taken care of myself for too long. It's time to step back and let God be God - my Caretaker.