This post may seem a little heavy but I really needed to get this off my chest.
What is going on with me? I feel like I have become so numb. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life right now. And my life isn't even bad. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful little girl and a roof over my head. I have a job that pays well for what I do, we have enough money coming in to pay our bills. But why am I so numb? I can't seem to motivate myself to spend time with God. I just keep saying I don't have enough time. After all, I work full time and then have to come home and work full time on housework and my family. I just read my bible this morning for the first time in probably about 8 months. And I tried to pray but I just couldn't seem to find the words to say what I needed to. My heart is breaking for a loved one who can't seem to lose the grip that addiction has on their life. I have a little girl who is so wonderful but there are days when it just seems to scream in my face that I'm not her real mother and one day she's going to wake up and tell me that. I have a problem with spending too much money. I've put us in a tough financial position that we need to dig ourselves out of. But I can't even tell you what I spent the money on. Brutal.
It is right at this moment, as I'm typing, that I know that I need God. I know that I need to give everything to Him but I don't even know what that looks like. Do I everyday just pray and give it all to Him or do I just lay it all down once and assume He's taking over responsibility? But then where's the accountability? And if I pray about it everyday am I not trusting God that He's taking care of it?
I'm part of a church that I want to see explode and be a place where people become reconnected with God. I want people to see in me the difference that God has made in my life but I don't want them to see it through my actions. I want them to see it on my face but I feel like I just don't have that light right now. I'm not salt. I'm pepper.
God, honestly, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I am totally at a loss. This is probably one of the lowest points I've been at. Breathe in me.
I just read over my post and I know that it sounds really depressing but I'm honestly not depressed or suicidal. I'm just trying to find my place in God and writing about it this morning has been good for me. All I ask is that if you have read this, please just pray. I know that God will bring me through. I just need some prayer.
What is going on with me? I feel like I have become so numb. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life right now. And my life isn't even bad. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful little girl and a roof over my head. I have a job that pays well for what I do, we have enough money coming in to pay our bills. But why am I so numb? I can't seem to motivate myself to spend time with God. I just keep saying I don't have enough time. After all, I work full time and then have to come home and work full time on housework and my family. I just read my bible this morning for the first time in probably about 8 months. And I tried to pray but I just couldn't seem to find the words to say what I needed to. My heart is breaking for a loved one who can't seem to lose the grip that addiction has on their life. I have a little girl who is so wonderful but there are days when it just seems to scream in my face that I'm not her real mother and one day she's going to wake up and tell me that. I have a problem with spending too much money. I've put us in a tough financial position that we need to dig ourselves out of. But I can't even tell you what I spent the money on. Brutal.
It is right at this moment, as I'm typing, that I know that I need God. I know that I need to give everything to Him but I don't even know what that looks like. Do I everyday just pray and give it all to Him or do I just lay it all down once and assume He's taking over responsibility? But then where's the accountability? And if I pray about it everyday am I not trusting God that He's taking care of it?
I'm part of a church that I want to see explode and be a place where people become reconnected with God. I want people to see in me the difference that God has made in my life but I don't want them to see it through my actions. I want them to see it on my face but I feel like I just don't have that light right now. I'm not salt. I'm pepper.
God, honestly, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I am totally at a loss. This is probably one of the lowest points I've been at. Breathe in me.
I just read over my post and I know that it sounds really depressing but I'm honestly not depressed or suicidal. I'm just trying to find my place in God and writing about it this morning has been good for me. All I ask is that if you have read this, please just pray. I know that God will bring me through. I just need some prayer.
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