My Realization

I've come along since my last post. I was at a low but since then I've been pursuing God and honestly seeking Him. And He is so good. That may not mean something to some of you. But I can honestly say that I'm changing. I'm not completely there - I'm definitely a work in progress.

If you know me then you know that I am a huge control freak. So much so that I don't even let my own husband drive. And this has been a vice in my life for almost 10 years now. I know that Dave has said that it doesn't bother him but it must. I see the looks on our friends faces when I get into the driver's seat. I see the look on our new friends faces wondering what's going on and why does she drive everywhere? And then the embarassment of telling them that I'm a freak and I drive every time we get in the car - and I mean every time! And I see the look on Dave's face when we have to explain it to people - and I can see that it hurts.

There could be a number of reasons. After all, I work at ICBC and I see munched up cars all day. It could also be that I just enjoy driving. I've also said that I hate the thought of us getting into an accident and the guilt that he would have to ensue if one of us got seriously hurt - I don't want him to have to go through that.

It could be all of those but what I've come to realize is that I just have a problem trusting. I have a problem trusting God. I've always given the exact amount to God that is required. And I figure the rest is for me as I have bills to pay, I have things that I need to sort out in my head that is too trivial for God. I'm a problem solver. And if that means that I don't give it all to God then He'll just have to understand. I will be sure to solve the problem - my way.

Until now. I've started giving more money than what is required. I'm letting Dave drive on Monday nights - it's a start! I'm spending more time with God and am actually pursuing Him. I'm questioning stuff that I've just taken for granted - like is it absolutely necessary to have a worship team full of people that seem to have it all together on the outside? Or is it about their heart and their relationship with God? But then shouldn't their life be reflecting their relationship? That's a whole other topic...!!

I have to apologize to Dave for letting my lack of trust in God get in the way of trusting him. As much as I would like to say that I let Dave be the head of the house, I have huge issues there. I barely even trust God to take care of me, how can I fully trust Dave?

How do I know that God will take care of me? What would I say to an unbeliever that came up to me and asked me how I know that God is taking care of me right now? I'm not sure. I think that's where blind faith steps in. I know it tells me in the Bible that He's watching over me and will supply my every need. But I need to experience that. I've taken care of myself for too long. It's time to step back and let God be God - my Caretaker.

Me - right now.

This post may seem a little heavy but I really needed to get this off my chest.

What is going on with me? I feel like I have become so numb. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life right now. And my life isn't even bad. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful little girl and a roof over my head. I have a job that pays well for what I do, we have enough money coming in to pay our bills. But why am I so numb? I can't seem to motivate myself to spend time with God. I just keep saying I don't have enough time. After all, I work full time and then have to come home and work full time on housework and my family. I just read my bible this morning for the first time in probably about 8 months. And I tried to pray but I just couldn't seem to find the words to say what I needed to. My heart is breaking for a loved one who can't seem to lose the grip that addiction has on their life. I have a little girl who is so wonderful but there are days when it just seems to scream in my face that I'm not her real mother and one day she's going to wake up and tell me that. I have a problem with spending too much money. I've put us in a tough financial position that we need to dig ourselves out of. But I can't even tell you what I spent the money on. Brutal.

It is right at this moment, as I'm typing, that I know that I need God. I know that I need to give everything to Him but I don't even know what that looks like. Do I everyday just pray and give it all to Him or do I just lay it all down once and assume He's taking over responsibility? But then where's the accountability? And if I pray about it everyday am I not trusting God that He's taking care of it?

I'm part of a church that I want to see explode and be a place where people become reconnected with God. I want people to see in me the difference that God has made in my life but I don't want them to see it through my actions. I want them to see it on my face but I feel like I just don't have that light right now. I'm not salt. I'm pepper.

God, honestly, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I am totally at a loss. This is probably one of the lowest points I've been at. Breathe in me.

I just read over my post and I know that it sounds really depressing but I'm honestly not depressed or suicidal. I'm just trying to find my place in God and writing about it this morning has been good for me. All I ask is that if you have read this, please just pray. I know that God will bring me through. I just need some prayer.