The Transition

When we first heard that Raynae needed a home and we met her in church, I panicked afterwards. What would I do with a 4 year old? What sort of stuff do they find interesting? Would I have the patience? Am I ready for my life to change?

When Raynae moved in 4 months later, I found out that a 4 year old will do anything and everything you do. They find everything interesting. And I found out that I am definitely lacking in the patience department! What followed in the next 2 years was not a life change as much as it was a heart change.

I had to learn to love someone else's child. We had already been trying to concieve on our own for 3 years without success so I figured I was ready to let a child into my heart. It didn't take me long to fall completely in love with her but what I didn't expect was having to "deal" with her biological mother. She had told us that she would want to see her every few months but we didn't believe her due to her past experience with the foster parents. Lo and behold, 6 months after Raynae moved in, we got a call from the social worker on behalf of Raynae's mom requesting a visit. We agreed. It was horrible. Raynae saw her mom twice within about 2 weeks and Raynae was an emotional wreck. It was probably one of the worst experiences having to sit there and hold her while she sobbed about how much she misses her other mommy.

I decided right then and there that I was not going to let someone hurt my little girl like that. Especially, at that age. So we stopped the visits. Raynae's mom was not happy with us but she left us alone. Until just before last Christmas. She requested a meeting with us. We fought with her over whether or not it was the right time for visits again. We just wanted a little more time with her to get her more settled with us. After all, it had only been a year since she had moved in. We could see the change in her since Raynae had moved in with us but we just weren't convinced that it was time yet. Her mom threatened to take us to court for visitation rights and we felt like we were stuck. I mean, what judge would say no to the biological mother? So, we agreed but asked for them to start after the holidays so we could have a normal Christmas.

In April, we still hadn't heard from her mom for a visit so we were just leaving it alone. It seemed like an answer to prayer. Dave and I went to Mexico while Raynae stayed home with Vicki. And that is where God started to change my heart. That is where God started to whisper to me that Raynae wasn't in fact mine. He made me realize that I had become possessive over this little girl. And I wasn't treating her like a gift from God. That it was my job to just love her. I called her birth mother when we got back to schedule a visit.

I had to revamp my view of what my role as Raynae's mommy was. She may call me mommy but I will never be "the" mommy. She will always hold a place in her heart for her birth mother. There may be a time in Raynae's life that she comes to me and says she wants to live with her biological mother. Not that I can blame her for any of this but it sucks. I went from not being able to have my own children to being blessed with a potty trained little girl to realizing that I will not be the only mother in her life. I get to share that responsibility. I am not "it".

And, let me tell you, the emotional war going on inside of me is insane. I hate that I have to deal with it. I hate that Raynae isn't my very own. I hate that I have to share her. I hate that I will not be the apple of her eye. I want her birth mother to just leave us alone. Hasn't she already done enough damage?

I wish I could say that I still don't deal with all of those emotions but I still do. But I just keep getting gently reminded that, though, this may not be "my" plan, it is God's plan. And I need to keep trusting in His perfect will.