Faith in God

I may be the first person to tell you this - I am not perfect. I never have been and never will be. And I'm not striving to be.

I just recently heard that someone stopped going to church because of the people. And that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because that person just based their faith on people instead of God. When a faith is based on people instead, we will always come out disappointed. We will never meet someone who will ever be able to portray the perfectness of God. We will never know someone who is not a hypocrite. Even without God. What I mean by that, for example, is even a simple situtation with your toddler. When your cute little one year old goes up and hits their cousin, we pick up the one year old and smack their hand and tell them that hitting is bad. Did we not just do the same thing to them right back?

I cannot show you what it's like to be perfect. I cannot show you what it's like to love perfectly. I cannot show you what it's like to be unselfish. Seriously, this list goes on and on.

But I can show you what it's like to try and live a life for God. To be open to changing myself. To be humble when I've made mistakes. And apologize for my mistakes. And I can do this because I have a faith in God that surpasses people. I believe in a God that is full of forgiveness - no matter what you or I have done. And no matter how short or long it has taken us to come to Him to ask for that forgiveness - we will get it once we ask. There is no time limit with God.

Why do I live for God? Honestly, I can't say that there's one reason. I guess it starts with I believe in Him. And I believe that He sent His own son to die for me so that I can live eternally with Him. And every trial that I have go through, as hard as it is going through it, I know that I become a stronger person because of it. I learn more of who I am and who I was created by God to be. I feel a peace knowing that my life is not in my control. That no matter what comes my way, I can get through it when I depend on God. I like that.

The Transition

When we first heard that Raynae needed a home and we met her in church, I panicked afterwards. What would I do with a 4 year old? What sort of stuff do they find interesting? Would I have the patience? Am I ready for my life to change?

When Raynae moved in 4 months later, I found out that a 4 year old will do anything and everything you do. They find everything interesting. And I found out that I am definitely lacking in the patience department! What followed in the next 2 years was not a life change as much as it was a heart change.

I had to learn to love someone else's child. We had already been trying to concieve on our own for 3 years without success so I figured I was ready to let a child into my heart. It didn't take me long to fall completely in love with her but what I didn't expect was having to "deal" with her biological mother. She had told us that she would want to see her every few months but we didn't believe her due to her past experience with the foster parents. Lo and behold, 6 months after Raynae moved in, we got a call from the social worker on behalf of Raynae's mom requesting a visit. We agreed. It was horrible. Raynae saw her mom twice within about 2 weeks and Raynae was an emotional wreck. It was probably one of the worst experiences having to sit there and hold her while she sobbed about how much she misses her other mommy.

I decided right then and there that I was not going to let someone hurt my little girl like that. Especially, at that age. So we stopped the visits. Raynae's mom was not happy with us but she left us alone. Until just before last Christmas. She requested a meeting with us. We fought with her over whether or not it was the right time for visits again. We just wanted a little more time with her to get her more settled with us. After all, it had only been a year since she had moved in. We could see the change in her since Raynae had moved in with us but we just weren't convinced that it was time yet. Her mom threatened to take us to court for visitation rights and we felt like we were stuck. I mean, what judge would say no to the biological mother? So, we agreed but asked for them to start after the holidays so we could have a normal Christmas.

In April, we still hadn't heard from her mom for a visit so we were just leaving it alone. It seemed like an answer to prayer. Dave and I went to Mexico while Raynae stayed home with Vicki. And that is where God started to change my heart. That is where God started to whisper to me that Raynae wasn't in fact mine. He made me realize that I had become possessive over this little girl. And I wasn't treating her like a gift from God. That it was my job to just love her. I called her birth mother when we got back to schedule a visit.

I had to revamp my view of what my role as Raynae's mommy was. She may call me mommy but I will never be "the" mommy. She will always hold a place in her heart for her birth mother. There may be a time in Raynae's life that she comes to me and says she wants to live with her biological mother. Not that I can blame her for any of this but it sucks. I went from not being able to have my own children to being blessed with a potty trained little girl to realizing that I will not be the only mother in her life. I get to share that responsibility. I am not "it".

And, let me tell you, the emotional war going on inside of me is insane. I hate that I have to deal with it. I hate that Raynae isn't my very own. I hate that I have to share her. I hate that I will not be the apple of her eye. I want her birth mother to just leave us alone. Hasn't she already done enough damage?

I wish I could say that I still don't deal with all of those emotions but I still do. But I just keep getting gently reminded that, though, this may not be "my" plan, it is God's plan. And I need to keep trusting in His perfect will.

The ladies in my life

I want to talk about 5 women in my life that have made an impact on me. They are my mom, Vicki, Sarah, Taya and Bekah (in no particular order).

My beautiful mom - How could I not love her - she gave me life! She instilled values and morals in me. She taught me that it's not good to lie. She showed me and continues to show me unconditional love. She has also shown me that it's okay to make mistakes but it's what you do with those lessons that matter. That it's my attitude that make's a difference. She taught me to sing at the top of my lungs in the car. And she taught me to take care of myself. As I'm raising my daughter, I can see how much am I like my mother and I couldn't be more proud. Because I know that I am loved and accepted by my mom and I can only pray that Raynae feels the same way. And I still believe that she's the prettiest mom in the whole world.

Vicki - I still think back to when I called her out of the blue, after 3 years of not talking to her, and asking her if there was a youth event this week at church and she was so excited that I had called. And I've stuck around ever since. Her love for God and missions is such an example to me. The way she can connect with people is amazing. She has taught me to love and love and love. And she is always seeking God's will. I love it when we go for coffee and we talk about our different issues and how we notice that we're getting older. I love that she lives with me and I get to be there for her everyday. I love sitting down at the end of the day and having a good laugh with her. I know that she thinks that I can have some of the weirdest facial expressions but as long as they keep her laughing I'll keep making them! And her desire for adventure just floors me. It's like she's not scared of anything - that's a power that comes from within that I wish I had. Sort of.

Sarah - I honestly admire this woman immensely. I could only pray for the strength that she possesses. When I might have thrown in the towel, she stood up and came out stronger. She encourages me to stand up for myself and what I believe. She has shown me a marriage that stands strong through the trials. How she finds time to do all that she does, I'll never know. And her zest for healthy food and exercise inspires me every time I see her. She's gets so excited over a salad - it's just amazing. And her love for her children and dedication to their health makes me stand in awe of her. I honestly don't know if I could go through what she has gone through and come out standing as strong in the Lord as she has. She may have questioned why any of this would happen to her but she never turned her back on God and that has challenged me with my infertility struggles more than she'll ever know.

Taya - I can honestly, truely say that I believe that Taya is my soul mate. I don't think I know anyone that knows me better than she does. She'll come over the next day and know that I cried the day before when no one else noticed. Drama queen is an understatement for her. But through her dramatics she has shown me how to show emotion. To not just put it at the back but to actually deal with what I'm feeling. And to talk about it. She has shown me that it's important to have a very comfortable bed. She has taught me what it looks like to be an encouragement to people. To stand in prayer for people. She has been a shoulder through some of the toughest parts of my marriage. She may think I don't need her now but she has taught me to stand in prayer and I depend on her being there when I need to talk.

Bekah - This is the newest friendship out of all these ladies. But it feels like we've known eachother for much longer. Bek has a heart for people that I could only pray to have. When I will turn my head in the opposite direction of a homeless person she will go out of her way to buy them a meal and ask them their name. When I go to her place (which is quite often), she makes my family feel right at home. I know that if I need her for whatever reason, I just have to call and she'll ask how she can help. I love that we get to share this ministry path that our families are taking and look forward to many, many years of hanging out on friday nights.

All of these women mean something different to me in their own special ways. I wouldn't be who I am today without any one of them and I just wanted to thank them for being honest and sincere. I appreciate who they are. I love you guys.

I Can Trust You

I have heard this song by Rebecca St. James a billion times (no exaggeration) but it's like I heard it for the first time when I was out on the track this morning and I can feel it making a difference already...


Yes, I know that You have paved a path for me
Yes, I know that You see what I do and don't need
But when it comes to the deepest things
I have a hard time relinquishing control letting go

God, it hurts to give You what I must lay down
But when I let go, freedom's found
God, it hurts to give You what I've held so dear
Because of Your love it's clear
I can trust You with this
I can trust You with me
I can trust You

Lord, I know that You are worthy of my trust
For You have shown me time and time again
You're faithful and yet I'm so scared of letting go of this
Afraid of what You might do with it
How could I forget who You are like this

God, it hurts to give You what I must lay down
But when I let go, freedom's found
God, it hurts to give you what I've held so dear
Because of Your love it's clear
I can trust you with this
I can trust you with me
I can trust you

Me forsaking
Heart is breaking
I let go of what I've held so tight
Freedom's mine now
For the taking
I move in faith, not by sight
Let Your will be done

God, it hurst to give you what I must lay down
But when I let go, freedom's found
Got, it hurts to give you what I've held so dear
Because of your love, it's clear
I can trust you with this
I can trust you with me
I can trust you

Obsessions

If you know me then you know that I can get obsessed. I'm not one to get too obsessed over stuff - at least, I don't think. But when I like something it becomes something in my life. Take TV for example, when I like a show, I like to watch it. We don't have cable so most of the shows we rent on DVD which you would think is nice 'cause then you get to watch it in your own time, at a low cost. Not with me. It's like as soon as Raynae is in bed, the TV and DVD player is on and we're watching. We usually end up watching a full season in 1 week. I know, I'm incredible. Or reading a book is a good one. Once I start the book, it pulls me into this world that I can't stop thinking about. I even want to talk about the characters of the book as if they're alive and real and everyone should know who/what I'm talking about.

I've decided to try and take this obsession and use it for good. I'm trying to run. That's right, I said it. I'm moving my legs super fast around a track. Well, they're not as fast as I would like them to be...I feel myself getting obsessed with trying to get pregnant again. And I know what the first stint of 3 years of trying did to me and I don't want to be there again. I am nowhere near obsessed like I was then but I notice little things creeping up. And once I start letting the little things in then I slowly start to get more and more obsessed and upset that we're not pregnant. And then I don't understand why we're not and I question God and it gets harder and harder to see others pregnant around me. I don't want to be like that again. I vowed in April that I was going to totally leave it up to God and when I let myself become obsessed I'm not.

'Cause that's what it all comes down to, right? God. And His perfect timing.

Back to the running, though. I have had a number of dreams of how good it feels to run. There just seems to be a sense of freedom in my dreams that I want to obtain. I've heard it's because of the endorphens that are emitted. I have no idea if I even said it right. I don't care - I just want it!

One downside to me, though, is that I tend to quit part way through a project. And I really don't want to quit this one. I have to see if my dreams are true. I want to prove to myself that I can do this. That I can get in shape. It's gonna happen. Watch me.

My Realization

I've come along since my last post. I was at a low but since then I've been pursuing God and honestly seeking Him. And He is so good. That may not mean something to some of you. But I can honestly say that I'm changing. I'm not completely there - I'm definitely a work in progress.

If you know me then you know that I am a huge control freak. So much so that I don't even let my own husband drive. And this has been a vice in my life for almost 10 years now. I know that Dave has said that it doesn't bother him but it must. I see the looks on our friends faces when I get into the driver's seat. I see the look on our new friends faces wondering what's going on and why does she drive everywhere? And then the embarassment of telling them that I'm a freak and I drive every time we get in the car - and I mean every time! And I see the look on Dave's face when we have to explain it to people - and I can see that it hurts.

There could be a number of reasons. After all, I work at ICBC and I see munched up cars all day. It could also be that I just enjoy driving. I've also said that I hate the thought of us getting into an accident and the guilt that he would have to ensue if one of us got seriously hurt - I don't want him to have to go through that.

It could be all of those but what I've come to realize is that I just have a problem trusting. I have a problem trusting God. I've always given the exact amount to God that is required. And I figure the rest is for me as I have bills to pay, I have things that I need to sort out in my head that is too trivial for God. I'm a problem solver. And if that means that I don't give it all to God then He'll just have to understand. I will be sure to solve the problem - my way.

Until now. I've started giving more money than what is required. I'm letting Dave drive on Monday nights - it's a start! I'm spending more time with God and am actually pursuing Him. I'm questioning stuff that I've just taken for granted - like is it absolutely necessary to have a worship team full of people that seem to have it all together on the outside? Or is it about their heart and their relationship with God? But then shouldn't their life be reflecting their relationship? That's a whole other topic...!!

I have to apologize to Dave for letting my lack of trust in God get in the way of trusting him. As much as I would like to say that I let Dave be the head of the house, I have huge issues there. I barely even trust God to take care of me, how can I fully trust Dave?

How do I know that God will take care of me? What would I say to an unbeliever that came up to me and asked me how I know that God is taking care of me right now? I'm not sure. I think that's where blind faith steps in. I know it tells me in the Bible that He's watching over me and will supply my every need. But I need to experience that. I've taken care of myself for too long. It's time to step back and let God be God - my Caretaker.

Me - right now.

This post may seem a little heavy but I really needed to get this off my chest.

What is going on with me? I feel like I have become so numb. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life right now. And my life isn't even bad. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful little girl and a roof over my head. I have a job that pays well for what I do, we have enough money coming in to pay our bills. But why am I so numb? I can't seem to motivate myself to spend time with God. I just keep saying I don't have enough time. After all, I work full time and then have to come home and work full time on housework and my family. I just read my bible this morning for the first time in probably about 8 months. And I tried to pray but I just couldn't seem to find the words to say what I needed to. My heart is breaking for a loved one who can't seem to lose the grip that addiction has on their life. I have a little girl who is so wonderful but there are days when it just seems to scream in my face that I'm not her real mother and one day she's going to wake up and tell me that. I have a problem with spending too much money. I've put us in a tough financial position that we need to dig ourselves out of. But I can't even tell you what I spent the money on. Brutal.

It is right at this moment, as I'm typing, that I know that I need God. I know that I need to give everything to Him but I don't even know what that looks like. Do I everyday just pray and give it all to Him or do I just lay it all down once and assume He's taking over responsibility? But then where's the accountability? And if I pray about it everyday am I not trusting God that He's taking care of it?

I'm part of a church that I want to see explode and be a place where people become reconnected with God. I want people to see in me the difference that God has made in my life but I don't want them to see it through my actions. I want them to see it on my face but I feel like I just don't have that light right now. I'm not salt. I'm pepper.

God, honestly, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I am totally at a loss. This is probably one of the lowest points I've been at. Breathe in me.

I just read over my post and I know that it sounds really depressing but I'm honestly not depressed or suicidal. I'm just trying to find my place in God and writing about it this morning has been good for me. All I ask is that if you have read this, please just pray. I know that God will bring me through. I just need some prayer.