The Transition

When we first heard that Raynae needed a home and we met her in church, I panicked afterwards. What would I do with a 4 year old? What sort of stuff do they find interesting? Would I have the patience? Am I ready for my life to change?

When Raynae moved in 4 months later, I found out that a 4 year old will do anything and everything you do. They find everything interesting. And I found out that I am definitely lacking in the patience department! What followed in the next 2 years was not a life change as much as it was a heart change.

I had to learn to love someone else's child. We had already been trying to concieve on our own for 3 years without success so I figured I was ready to let a child into my heart. It didn't take me long to fall completely in love with her but what I didn't expect was having to "deal" with her biological mother. She had told us that she would want to see her every few months but we didn't believe her due to her past experience with the foster parents. Lo and behold, 6 months after Raynae moved in, we got a call from the social worker on behalf of Raynae's mom requesting a visit. We agreed. It was horrible. Raynae saw her mom twice within about 2 weeks and Raynae was an emotional wreck. It was probably one of the worst experiences having to sit there and hold her while she sobbed about how much she misses her other mommy.

I decided right then and there that I was not going to let someone hurt my little girl like that. Especially, at that age. So we stopped the visits. Raynae's mom was not happy with us but she left us alone. Until just before last Christmas. She requested a meeting with us. We fought with her over whether or not it was the right time for visits again. We just wanted a little more time with her to get her more settled with us. After all, it had only been a year since she had moved in. We could see the change in her since Raynae had moved in with us but we just weren't convinced that it was time yet. Her mom threatened to take us to court for visitation rights and we felt like we were stuck. I mean, what judge would say no to the biological mother? So, we agreed but asked for them to start after the holidays so we could have a normal Christmas.

In April, we still hadn't heard from her mom for a visit so we were just leaving it alone. It seemed like an answer to prayer. Dave and I went to Mexico while Raynae stayed home with Vicki. And that is where God started to change my heart. That is where God started to whisper to me that Raynae wasn't in fact mine. He made me realize that I had become possessive over this little girl. And I wasn't treating her like a gift from God. That it was my job to just love her. I called her birth mother when we got back to schedule a visit.

I had to revamp my view of what my role as Raynae's mommy was. She may call me mommy but I will never be "the" mommy. She will always hold a place in her heart for her birth mother. There may be a time in Raynae's life that she comes to me and says she wants to live with her biological mother. Not that I can blame her for any of this but it sucks. I went from not being able to have my own children to being blessed with a potty trained little girl to realizing that I will not be the only mother in her life. I get to share that responsibility. I am not "it".

And, let me tell you, the emotional war going on inside of me is insane. I hate that I have to deal with it. I hate that Raynae isn't my very own. I hate that I have to share her. I hate that I will not be the apple of her eye. I want her birth mother to just leave us alone. Hasn't she already done enough damage?

I wish I could say that I still don't deal with all of those emotions but I still do. But I just keep getting gently reminded that, though, this may not be "my" plan, it is God's plan. And I need to keep trusting in His perfect will.

The ladies in my life

I want to talk about 5 women in my life that have made an impact on me. They are my mom, Vicki, Sarah, Taya and Bekah (in no particular order).

My beautiful mom - How could I not love her - she gave me life! She instilled values and morals in me. She taught me that it's not good to lie. She showed me and continues to show me unconditional love. She has also shown me that it's okay to make mistakes but it's what you do with those lessons that matter. That it's my attitude that make's a difference. She taught me to sing at the top of my lungs in the car. And she taught me to take care of myself. As I'm raising my daughter, I can see how much am I like my mother and I couldn't be more proud. Because I know that I am loved and accepted by my mom and I can only pray that Raynae feels the same way. And I still believe that she's the prettiest mom in the whole world.

Vicki - I still think back to when I called her out of the blue, after 3 years of not talking to her, and asking her if there was a youth event this week at church and she was so excited that I had called. And I've stuck around ever since. Her love for God and missions is such an example to me. The way she can connect with people is amazing. She has taught me to love and love and love. And she is always seeking God's will. I love it when we go for coffee and we talk about our different issues and how we notice that we're getting older. I love that she lives with me and I get to be there for her everyday. I love sitting down at the end of the day and having a good laugh with her. I know that she thinks that I can have some of the weirdest facial expressions but as long as they keep her laughing I'll keep making them! And her desire for adventure just floors me. It's like she's not scared of anything - that's a power that comes from within that I wish I had. Sort of.

Sarah - I honestly admire this woman immensely. I could only pray for the strength that she possesses. When I might have thrown in the towel, she stood up and came out stronger. She encourages me to stand up for myself and what I believe. She has shown me a marriage that stands strong through the trials. How she finds time to do all that she does, I'll never know. And her zest for healthy food and exercise inspires me every time I see her. She's gets so excited over a salad - it's just amazing. And her love for her children and dedication to their health makes me stand in awe of her. I honestly don't know if I could go through what she has gone through and come out standing as strong in the Lord as she has. She may have questioned why any of this would happen to her but she never turned her back on God and that has challenged me with my infertility struggles more than she'll ever know.

Taya - I can honestly, truely say that I believe that Taya is my soul mate. I don't think I know anyone that knows me better than she does. She'll come over the next day and know that I cried the day before when no one else noticed. Drama queen is an understatement for her. But through her dramatics she has shown me how to show emotion. To not just put it at the back but to actually deal with what I'm feeling. And to talk about it. She has shown me that it's important to have a very comfortable bed. She has taught me what it looks like to be an encouragement to people. To stand in prayer for people. She has been a shoulder through some of the toughest parts of my marriage. She may think I don't need her now but she has taught me to stand in prayer and I depend on her being there when I need to talk.

Bekah - This is the newest friendship out of all these ladies. But it feels like we've known eachother for much longer. Bek has a heart for people that I could only pray to have. When I will turn my head in the opposite direction of a homeless person she will go out of her way to buy them a meal and ask them their name. When I go to her place (which is quite often), she makes my family feel right at home. I know that if I need her for whatever reason, I just have to call and she'll ask how she can help. I love that we get to share this ministry path that our families are taking and look forward to many, many years of hanging out on friday nights.

All of these women mean something different to me in their own special ways. I wouldn't be who I am today without any one of them and I just wanted to thank them for being honest and sincere. I appreciate who they are. I love you guys.